tinyswirl

He who reigns within himself and rules his passions, desires, and fears is more than a king. – John Milton

Sometimes certain choices just seem the right ones. That has been what has changed my life this year – making the decisions that have felt right. I’ve learnt to trust my gut about people as it’s been proved right twice this year, which has made me feel much more chilled out and calm about life. With my own particular formula of hyperactivity and opinion of course!

Some of that has been about learning who are the right people to talk to about certain things. My friends are brilliant but some of them will quite happily admit they enjoy a good gossip and a bit of drama.. so I know not to speak to them when I need to face a situation with a calm and clear head about me.

It’s like I’ve suddenly got a grip on life and have learnt to trust myself. It is strange to not be reacting as strongly to things as I used to, I really do wonder now how long it was I was actually unwell because I literally feel like a different person.

My 34th year started last Friday… lets see what new discoveries I make

Developing love and compassion and reducing anger and spite is a universal activity which requires no faith in any religion whatsoever. ~Dalai Lama

Every once in a while I have to remind myself that I really should trust my gut feeling about something/one. Some stuff that happened last week was a stark reminder of that when someone who I became friends with, after some initial misgivings, turned around and accused me of all kinds of nonsense. I don’t like to think the worst of anyone, but I guess I need to be more careful who I trust! I am frustrated by the whole thing – if the person had spoken to me sooner about the “problem” they have with me it could all have been resolved pretty easily. As it is, this person believes they know who I am (and they don’t, by the sounds of it) and is the type of person to hold on to their beliefs and never let go. Something that I respect but is potentially self-destructive when an individual tends to not trust people and/or see the worst in situations.

The crazy thing is some of this came about because of my own naivety and insecurity. I’m someone who can spot attractions between two people – unless it’s someone who’s attracted to me and then it (quite literally at times) needs to be forced down my throat. All those years of having my self confidence undermined at school and generally feeling like an outsider has made me second guess my instincts that someone is attracted to me and generally pass it off as me being silly/big headed. Also, I try and take people’s word on what they say and not to read between the lines (put my thoughts into their heads, as my therapist would have said) but seems I should have listened to my inner advisor!

BUT I am determined not to do the whole “hate” and “spite” thing. I must admit to having an angry/confused/tearful/frustrated vent about the whole thing but that’s just subsided into nerves of seeing this person again – and a worry about how much other people have paid attention to what this person has been saying about me.

Just need to remember what the Dalai Lama says, get rid of the negatives in my head.

After all, I can always just go home.